A monologue

Fuck. That was stupid. Now I can't sleep. I don't care if she sees other guys . . . that's the whole arrangement, here actually. Especially since she told me she was only really comfortable with me because I was so low pressure. Would it be too high pressure to tell her I care if she sees other guys? Fuck, of course it would. I should call her now. To tell her that I don't care if she sees other guys. (Remember when we had that conversation on the way to the Mercury Cafe when I asked you if you'd consider it cheating if I had sex with someone else, and then I told you that I wouldn't consider it cheating but that I'd be upset and hurt? I think, now, especially since we had that conversation recently about me backing off, that I wouldn't be that upset and hurt. I mean, and this is presumptuous to even suggest you would be, but you shouldn't feel guilty by me.) She just said it in passing anyway. "Actually, I ran into someone I just met last night so he and I were hanging out." That doesn't count as seeing someone, does it? Not yet. If she is seeing someone, she wouldn't tell me. And why should she? She shouldn't. It's not really my business. Unless she sleeps with him, of course. Then it is. There's a whole new area if she sleeps with someone because of the health concerns and so on. You know, she hates using condoms. And she's not on the pill. Last month, when she thought she was pregnant, who knows if it'd have been my kid or her ex-boyfriend's? Who wants that situation? If she gets an abortion, who goes with her to the clinic, you know? (pause) Telling her I don't mind if she sees other people is a big thing. Maybe too much. You've gotta be prepared if she takes you up on it. And I'm not prepared for that. I'm in love with her. I'm in . . . that's the . . . that's the first time I've said that. And it was bullshit. I'm just grasping for straws. (Don't leave. I'm in love with you.) I didn't mean it. It was an instinctual reaction to the idea that this might be ending soon. Throwing a log on the fire. (pause) Still, though. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I can't tell her that, though. That would be too high pressure. The low pressure thing would be to tell her she can see other people without feeling guilty. I don't want to overplay my hand. I should call her later, when I haven't been drinking. That's stupid, I can't sleep unless I talk to her now. How am I supposed to sleep with all this shit floating around in my head? I should call her. (pause) I should call her. (pause) Ahhh, fuck it. What's the point?